Why I Must Avoid Online Dating

If you are observant and noticed it is after 2am, two points and a gold star to you. I've been trying to sleep for four hours now with no luck. But I managed to watch a new Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie. I love him. Love like I created him to be my new Heath Ledger, who is dead and will remain perfect in my eyes. Anyways...

While walking to my car and driving home from my friends' Super Bowl party tonight, I thought about how I've had such a hard time finding friends (not co-workers), let along guys I want/can date. Where do people find friends? Or boyfriends? Online? Then the thought, "There's no way in hell I could ever try online dating. I would be so dumb to try," entered my mind.

Why would I be so foolish? Well, lucky for you I compiled a list of things that would most likely come out while trying to find a match that would either screw up my life or make everyone avoid me like the plague. 

(By sharing this list, I fully acknowledge that I might never make friends or hear back from half of you)

Dating Deal Breakers

1. I have what some might think and have described as an "unhealthy" obsession with Michael Jackson.

 I may or may not listen to this album everyday.

And by may or may not, I mean I do. Everyday. I also watch his History DVD any time that I feel sad. And I once morphed our faces to see what our child would look like. And it was beautiful. Waaayyy better looking than that Angelina and Brad's wonder baby. 

2. I frequently google baby farm animals. Also, more often when I'm sad or lonely. Sometimes with my 7 and 9 year old cousins so that I don't feel weird. I only like animals in miniature versions. 

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This pig will be mine!

3. I sing a lot. And dance. I live in a basement by myself and sometimes it takes a while before I realize I've been singing everything I'm doing or talking aloud. Not like in a Sybil or Shining way, just in a I'm-used-to talking-to-people-all-the-time-and-now-I-live-alone-and-it-never-stopped-me way. And I just like to sing all the time, especially when driving. 

4. When people ask me if I'm dating someone or who my last relationship was with I answer with Netflix. Mostly joking but I do spend a lot of time with netflix. I also would choose a night in with it rather than try and mingle with people I don't know.  I need to stop with the dating an internet video store joke. It's weird. 

5. I don't sleep well. Obviously. I watch too many tv shows and movies during the night. I once watched 5 seasons of Gossip Girl in under two weeks. Granted I had kidney stones so I spent all day and night doing it, but it's pathetic nonetheless. I've also given up on sleeping pills because they: don't work correctly, just make me tired without sleeping, and I buy things online. At least I'm not creepy like the Twilight vampire and watch people sleep. I just resort to watching 12 hours of DVR and who knows how many hours of Netflix or sketchy downloaded movies :)

Bonus: Anything about myself as a kid. This includes but is not limited to: cemeteries, terrible occupational goals, fear of basically everything (animals, knives, etc), perfecting my reading abilities with trashy celeb mags, my tendency to start fires, getting an unusual amount of concussions, wanting to train animals to fight each other (roosters, fish, dogs),  hardly wearing clothes and skinny dipping, thinking that if I hoped and prayed hard enough I would turn black, and having Drew Barrymore as an idol. 

But thinking about all of these things made me realize they are some of my favorite qualities...I love Michael Jackson and he really inspired me as a kid. Little animals are super cute so everyone should look at them and be happy. Singing and dancing are my favorite things to do and I don't care if I have to do it alone, it's just as fun. Netflix really is the best. Not sleeping sometimes requires I fuel up on Dr. Pepper and I LOVE Dr. Pepper. And even though I was a really shady kid, it makes for good stories!!